“I HAVE to make a change.” The thought has crossed my mind countless times over the past several years. I’ve always been tall, which I’ve always counted as a blessing, because I can hold more weight than if I was short. I’ve also always been slender, at least since I lost my baby fat at around age 14. But I’ve never been healthy.
Throughout the years, I’ve started new trendy diets and training mechanisms like couch to 5k or Pinterest challenges only to throw in the towel in about a week’s time. I’ve read a mountain of self-help books, only to be empowered for about a day, quickly losing enthusiasm with each approaching meal or Netflix marathon.
Anxiety has always been a crippling factor in my life. As a kid and into my college years, I vomited every morning before school, work, even church. I don’t blame my parents for not taking me to a doctor...who really wants to shove anti anxiety medications into a kid’s mouth? But I do wonder how things would have been different had I had medical attention early on. Once I was in my early twenties and sick and tired of my anxiety, I saw a physician. He tried me on celexa and Effexor. Neither had a major impact on my life and I began to feel my doctor wasn’t taking me seriously. So I went elsewhere. This physician started me on Paxil. I gave it about a 6 month trial, with no help.
After taking Paxil, though, I started gaining weight. It was slow at first. Then it seemed like one morning I woke up and I was fat.
I currently take no anxiety medication and although the morning vomiting has subsided, I’ve gained over 50 pounds. Now I feel anxious AND fat. And anxious about being fat.
Since I turned 26, 5 months ago, it’s been a downhill slide. I’ve noticed small tasks become large hassles. I’m out of breath climbing one flight of stairs, my clothes no longer fit, I can’t reach to close my car door once I’m inside. Really stupid, menial examples but they all add up to equal a massive amount of frustration and disappointment that I’ve allowed myself to become this way.
I’ve seen what obesity can do to a body first hand in my family...every single member of my family is somewhat obese. It’s “normal” but that doesn’t make it okay. They all have major health issues, ranging from diabetes to high blood pressure.
I have this fear that if I don’t take control and tame my willpower, I’m going to give up all together. I’m going to continue gaining weight and lose all of my confidence, happiness, and sanity along the way.
This is why I’ve created this blog. I need an honest place to check in. To brag about my accomplishments and to cry about my struggles. It’s all about progress and I want to have a place to share mine.
I will be implementing Chris and Heidi Powell’s app, Transform, for the first part of my process. I need some guidance and I need to get my mindset in the right place.
I’m excited/scared/hopeful about this journey and I am ready to be the person I’ve always wanted to be.
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